Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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