My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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