i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
