Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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