Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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