i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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