Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
