How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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