Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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