I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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