Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
