everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
