I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
