I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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