a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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