I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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