I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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