i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
