Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
