you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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