Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize