There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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