btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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