he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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