ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
