Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
