I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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