good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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