We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
