I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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