His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize