We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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