She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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