you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
