So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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