tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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