got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
