my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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