New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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