party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
