epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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