Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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