A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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