boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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