remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Two words: blizzard sex
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
