did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
