I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
