Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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