They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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