The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
