I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
