i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
