I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
