Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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