the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize