Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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