finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
