Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
