Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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