I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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