I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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