I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
