At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You had me at "let me see your balls"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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