I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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