I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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