textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
