If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
