I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize