Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is it because I queefed?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
