I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
